I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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