hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
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Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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