Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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