Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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