I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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