I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize