she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
and you fell through a lawn chair
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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