i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize