I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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