I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
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Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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