your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The air was thick with penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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