Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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