Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
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Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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