i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize