I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize