I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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