i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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