i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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