Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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