I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
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It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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