At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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