My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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