Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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