just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize