Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ass is underappreciated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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