I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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