Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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