I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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