lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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