ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
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Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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