I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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