yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel great
I just peed on a car
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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