So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
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she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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