Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize