I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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