i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
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I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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