So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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