Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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