i think i have two assholes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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