Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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