two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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