I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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