My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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