he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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