Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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