Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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