I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize