I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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