I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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