If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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